some jokes

[deasy100]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Sunderland, Scarborough,
parts of Leeds and everywhere in Wales


An English lawyer went duck hunting in the borders. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of Hadrians wall. As the lawyer climbed over the wall, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best lawyers in Europe and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The English lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old Scottish farmer. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer and said I go first.
He then booted him in the balls and the lawyer doubled over in excruciating pain. The second kick was straight to the face and bust his nose wide open. The lawyer was in major pain but was prepared to carry on, looking forward to his upcoming 3 kicks. The third kick by the farmer knocked the lawyers teeth out of his mouth.

After 20 minutes recovering time the lawyer stood up and said "Now it's my turn" to which the old farmer replied, "No it's not, I give up, here's your duck"

A man in a Safeway store in Texas tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sold only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he would ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here.

Where are you from, son?'

'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No ****?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'



A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'


granny an grandad sittin at the breakfast table, granny says "do u know, ma nipples r as hot 4 u 2day as they were 50 years ago" grandad replies "I'm no surprised, 1s in ur porridge the others in ur ****** coffee"

[nordot]

Just found your jokes, thanks !!! cheered me up a treat