Funny 1 liners

[Macabre]

1
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

6
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

9
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

13
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

18
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

19
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

[Macabre]

So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied “Achh-neeee”.

One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out…

Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!

My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!

When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.

I used go out with an anesthetist – she was a local girl…

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!

(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”

My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”

One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”

I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.