Top Ten Signs An Astronaut Is Trying To Kill You

[steve07951]

if this gets a laugh or 2 i'll do more let me know i'll do it daily
hope you like it its dave lettermans top 10 list

TOP 10 SIGNS AN ASTRONAUT IS TRYING TO KILL YOU


10 Says, "This is a giant leap for mankind" as she tosses you off a bridge

9 You turn on CNN and see the Hubble Telescope focusing on your house

8 She promises to "Take you out like Pluto"

7 It sounds crazy, but you could swear Mars is following you

6 You were on the "Maury" episode: "I Had A Booty Call And Now An Astronaut Is Trying To Kill Me"

5 Her previous attempts to kill you have been postponed due to high winds

4 She poisons your Tang

3 Says she looks forward to being the first to walk on your lifeless corpse

2 Been getting threatening emails from Connie@International Space Station.com

1 She keeps stabbing you with a pen that writes upside down

cheers steve

[steve07951]

Here one more



Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Can Boost His Popularity


10 Hang Saddam again

9 Improve focus by removing Playstation 3 from Oval Office

8 Develop steamy "Will they or won't they?" relationship with Nancy Pelosi

7 Make people believe there's a waffle shortage; then when people see waffles in the supermarket, he'll be a hero!

6 Turn weekly radio address into wacky morning zoo

5 Redecorate Oval Office to look like the set of "The View"-- People love "The View"!

4 Resign

3 Covene blue ribbon panel to find out what the hell is wrong with Paula Abdul

2 Nail a heavyset intern

1 Deploy 20,000 troops to put underpants on Britney Spears

[steve07951]

Top Ten Messages Left On Britney Spears' Answering Machine



10 It's Bill Clinton. I hear you're confused and vulnerable. Call me"

9 "Hi Britney. Good news -- we now have a revolving door at the rehab center"

8 "Al Gore here. You're contributing to global warming, because your new look is hot!"

7 "It's K-Fed. Who would've thought I'd look like the responsible one?"

6 "It's Melania Trump. Think you and the clippers can fix the mess on Donald's head?"

5 "I'm calling from 'American Idol.' Would you like to replace Paula Abdul as our crazy judge?"

4 "NASA calling -- we think you might be astronaut material"

3 "Carol Channing here. I want my wig back, bitch"

2 "Hey, it's Paris. Are we still sluttin' it up this weekend?"

1 "This is the hair salon -- you left your underpants here"

[steve07951]

10 She's seriously thinking about the idea of possibly looking for a job

9 Has learned the names of nearly half her servants

8 Has a new catch phrase: "That's unseasonable"

7 No more pretending to be sober, now pretending to be religious

6 Proceeds from future sex videos go to the Boys and Girls Clubs of America

5 Has started dating Shecky

4 Devoting all free time to tracking down Bin Laden

3 Instead of putting out sub-par music and cheesy movies, she'll be putting out cheesy music and sub-par movies

2 Constantly asking herself, "What would Paula Abdul do?"

1 Well, she's wearing underpants

[steve07951]

10 "All I want for Christmas is a handful of Vicodin"

9 "Maybe this Christmas, someone will give you a shirt that's not that ugly"

8 "What do you want for Christmas...Ah, I really don't care"

7 "Feel my beard -- It's 100% squirrel"

6 "My rabbi said I'm going to hell for wearing this"

5 "Ho...Ho...Ho" (points to 3 old women)

4 "I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping"

3 "Enjoy the last Christmas before we get nuked by the North Koreans"

2 "Hey handsome, meet me under the mistletoe in 10 minutes"

1 "For a hundred bucks, I'll let you unwrap me"