A Few Funny Post

[foxlighter]

cannibal

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he
sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: £5
Broiled Missionary: £10.00
Fried Explorer: £15.00
Baked Parliamentary Labourite or Grilled Tory member: £100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning

poll

Poll :Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answer:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% : معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

British vs Irish

This is the transcription of the actual radio conversation between
the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland, October 1998.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the captain of a British Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA,
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET.

WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.

DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH.
I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTERMEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!

IRISH: We Are A Lighthouse. . . Your Call. (Lol)

The Lodger (adult)

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told
her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front
of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,"
she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and
told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"

"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you
have hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy bush.

When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the f..king darts team hasn't!"

some old some new

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night; I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients. It's a real shame 'cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog.' She goes in and the shopkeeper says 'Bonjour Madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, The Security guard asks her 'what's your Mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

The boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office.
The boss says 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....
Ann says 'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the ar**'

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits - it's worked for your arse'.

A couple in a cafe in Manchseter asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?'
The waitress leaned over and said 'BURRR - GURRR - KING'.

It's important to keep fit as you get older. My granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!