A Few Funny Jokes

[foxlighter]

new bra

A top British scientist has invented a bra that stops tits
bobbing up and down & Nipples from sticking out in the cold.

His colleagues have kicked his fu*@king head in

dumb lawers

Dumb Lawyers
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts," and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Breaking News

This just in, breaking news:

After a lengthy discussions and lots of disagreements, Greedy Gordons Government has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in the Houses of Parliment this Christmas season.

Contrary to popular belief and jumping to conclusions, this isn’t for any religious reason:

The Minister of Good Christmas Cheer simply has not been able to find three wise men and a virgin with in the Government.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
What'd You Think?

[buck388]

nice post.....lol

[hellzbellz666]

more,
cheered me up

[BaBoom]

lol, first and second one's hilarious

[btbbob]

made me laugh

[daviddawn]

lol very funny