A selection of my favourite jokes

[CreaturesINC]

My friends and I usually go a round of joke telling when we so rarely meet these days. Here is a list that I compiled - which should result in smiles all around.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."

[CreaturesINC]

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

[CreaturesINC]

A cowboy, who moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and Orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the lacename w:st="on">Baptistlacename> lacetype w:st="on">Churchlacetype> and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[CreaturesINC]

Father Murphy lives in a very poor parish, he was advised that horse racing makes good money so he decided to buy a horse and enter it into the races. Unfortunately he was cheated and the horse he bought turned out to be a donkey. He entered it in the races any way and it came fourth the first time.
Next morning papers "Father Murphy's ass in fourth place"
The archbishop was angry but did nothing.
The next race his donkey came first and the papers read "Father Murphy's ass up in front"
The Archbishop was more annoyed but still did nothing.
The third race came and the donkey came fourth again. The papers read "Father Murphy's ass back in place"
The Archbishop ordered him to get rid of the donkey so father Murphy gave it to sister Agatha. The next morning papers read " Sister Agatha owns best ass in town".
Extremely angry, the archbishop commanded Sister Agatha to get rid of the animal immediately so she sells it for 10 buck. New headlines next morning : “Sister Agatha peddles ass for 10 dollars"

[CreaturesINC]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," replied Johnny.
"Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[CreaturesINC]

A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said: "I dont know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day, the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock.

He couldnt sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said: "Ive never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said: "I dont want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"

[CreaturesINC]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[sheraz2]

pmsl good ones

[elton]

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and then wipes it all over his face.
'Mamacita, look, I'm a white boy.'
His mom slaps his face and says, 'Go show your father.'
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, 'Look Papacito, I'm a white boy.'
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, 'Go show your grandmother.'
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says,'Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy.'
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, 'What did you learn from that?
The boy replies, 'I have only been white for five minutes and already hate you Mexicans'

[rockisit]

whats white and hard.....
A fridge with a leather jacket