Air Traffic conversations

[brian]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[rainforest125]

That is one of the funniest things I have read on here.Not really P.C to mention our european friends like that,but what the hell they bombed our chipshop.

[brian]

I think WW2 humour is pretty harmless - so long as it's not glorifying death or violence, I think it's just tipping a cheeky hat to history.

[fj1200]

Speaking of cheeky here's some airline announcements.

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have. '
*************************************

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out of this airplane'
*************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
***************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa,
big fella, WHOA!'
*******************************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted
after a landing like that.'
*************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
*************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
***********************************

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to
shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
******************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City .. The flight attendant came on the intercom
and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault,
it was the asphalt.'
****************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant
came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.'
****************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
****************************************

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen,
if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is
on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
****************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you,
the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should
see the back of mine!'

[madrat]

I'm so glad I don't fly

[brian]

Great addition, fj1200.

[psman]

Absolutely brilliant some of the funniest things I have read