0-200 in 6 seconds

[martin-f]

from elsewhere



Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

[martin-f]

10 Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[martin-f]

Bad day


There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[martin-f]

heart surgeon's funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.



It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.



Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.



Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,

"Why are you laughing, Mister?"



"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.



"I'm a gynaecologist ........!!"

[martin-f]

lmao 18+ ???

Magic Finger: Find the G Spot!

Video: Magic Finger: Find the G Spot!

[martin-f]

shortest fairytale


Once upon a time a guy asked a girl to marry him, she said NO and the guy lived happy ever after. The End.

[martin-f]

worse case of swine flu warning pics of breasts

[martin-f]

Blonde chick with a nice Pussy

[martin-f]

vibrator


As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?!"
The daughter replied: "Mom, I'm 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing,
The daughter replied: "Dad, I'm 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"

A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room?
She entered, and observed her husband sitting on the couch, sipping a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: "What are you doing?"
The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law".

[martin-f]

A WARNING FOR B&Q CUSTOMERS


A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular B & Q
customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned
out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old
girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another B & Q. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the
other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen on September 4th,
9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times yesterday, and
very likely again this coming weekend as soon as I can buy some more
wallets.